So I haven't been able to get here much, (the browser window likes to crash very often) and I've been quite busy with appts and stuff. The doc has stepped up my lithium again. I have a disgustingly high tolerance for the stuff. (like all substances) So when I went there for the formality of her saying I could step up my dose, I got quite a shock when she came in with her utmost cheery bedside manner. It was meant to put me at ease, but the effect (more like strange behaviour) was lost on me. "We got the test results back for your heart as well as your pulmonary functions." She tells me. Then she tells me that I have emphysema. Oh yeah and as if that's not enough she tells me. "You have a tricuspid regurgitation. This means that the valve does not close properly, and blood flows back into the veins. Have you been feeling tired?" This is after already telling her that I have been sleeping 12-16 hours in a go regularly. She goes on to tell me that I also have pulmonary hypertension. Apparantly the leaky valve, and the hypertension combined give me an enlarged liver, as well as progressive heart failure. Alot of news for 1 day. I still twitch a bit when my poor brain attempts to comprehend that and can't. Something just refuses to digest that info (denial?) That and the fact that this is all just diagnosis right now, and I have no idea about the prognosis until I go back in for another barrage of tests. So really, I dunno if I'm so bad that I may die in a few weeks. (hopefully unlikely) or if I'm gonna be able to squeeze 20 more years out, or if they can operate on the heart stuff. And as far as the emphysema goes, well I'm not touching that right now. Given the suddenness and severity of my sypmtoms in the last 4 months, I really don't know where I stand. I'm really gonna have to weigh things here. See if all that fun and over-excessive drug use up until this spring was worth all the trouble. I don't think you'll hear me talking about my trivial emotional shit much anymore. It just kinda takes a backseat I think. I'm staying optimistic with all this shit. Pessimism is what got me into the mess. Happy holidays to all, and to those that don't celebrate, well happy winter